I was in the bathroom a little while ago thinking about how I was going to write- try to recapture a little bit of who I used to be- or who I have been. And sitting there, I was so passionate about so many different things that I wanted to write but, while I remember the gist of most of them- I really wished that I had a pen and paper and the time to write them... I so often feel that way.

               So- firstly- the topics I was going to write about

1) My own internal changes- mostly mental- some physical

2) Writing now vs. how I used to write

3) Taking a test vs. life

4) Where i'm writing from

1)

      Why am I where I am? I spent so much time analyzing and reanalyzing all of the problems I've had with anxiety/school/life and I got myself out of bad situations. Bleh...there's no blood in that statement. I spent so much time in therapy because I was absolutely miserable in school. And in the end perhaps I came to some conclusions (this may not end where I intended but perhaps it is more important to just write what comes). I was so used to being the kid with all the answers- and consciously I accepted this- I loved that role and I had gotten so used to it that I refused to see myself doing or being anything else. I refused to allow myself to not know something. And perhaps what was more important than- or more detrimental than- my placing this mantle on my shoulders was that I knew (wrongly- which becomes a theme) that everyone else had the same expectations of me. Not only was I incredible disappointed with myself when I didn't know or got something wrong or couldn't grasp something right away- but so, I thought, was everyone else- professors, friends, parents, and even classmates- most of whom I didn't know from Adam. I had an image of myself in my head, this Adonis of intellect that not only was I admiring but that everyone else looked on in awe. And every time I was less than I thought I should be- it was a pockmark, or a scar- an indelible mark on the beauty that I thought my mind possessed. And for some reason this drove me away instead of encouraging me to bear down and learn and retain and study. Instead, I ran away- I had- I felt ugly and worthless and I realized that all I was was an impossible image and instead of challenging that- instead of creating a new identity for myself- I became depressed that I was unable to live up to the old identity. Instead of being ok with being smart but not perfect, I removed myself from the possibility of being asked a question. I avoided class and professors and homework, and it spread to other aspects of my life; work, friends, theater, family, I wasn't good enough to exist in any of these functions. And thats why it hurt more to think that everyone else had the same expectations of me, it stated to permeate all of the other aspects of my life- because I saw academia and learning and knowledge as the core of my being- when the core became weak or contaminated perhaps- it radiated to all other aspects of my life...I feel like I'm repeating myself now.

So fast forward to where I am now. Where is my new core...Who am I now? About 4 months in (I don't remember how long, possibly alot less) to working at Cartech, I decided that I could do this for the rest of my working life and be happy with it. No one ever asks more than I can do and- more importantly- I never ask anything of myself that I couldn't do. My job is very rarely a mental one, and when it is, it doesn't stretch me at all. I am respected where I am solely for things that are always in my control- my willingness to work hard and my willingness to listen. Never am I required to know something that I have no way of knowing. I guess I can see myself working for 30 years and then going back to school to become a teacher. Stranger things have happened. I don't know...I feel...bigger now...I feel more able to fill my own shoes. I love where I am, perhaps I won't always, and have always wanted to teach and...

perhaps this is a good segway into point number 3)

3)

I went through jury duty selection and became an alternate, and so I was able to listen to the entire trial but able to be a part of the deliberation. And it struck me as...well...I couldn't beleive that at the end of the trial, after I had come to my own personal conclusion about her guilt or lack thereof, at the end of everything- no one was going to tell us all what really happened- no one was going to give us all the objective truth. I was never going to know if the conclusion that I had come to was correct. And it really struck me as a good metapor for life. We make decisions everyday- always trying to get to some endpoint from which "our best possible life" will unfold. Life if like a "Choose your own adventure" novel that you can't restart. After you make a decision, no one will- or can- tell you if that was the correct or best one. Life is a test but it is not a scantron that you get returned and corrected everyday; it is an life long essay question but you never get any hints or advice from someone who has the teacher's manual. I've grown up thinking that life has a right and a wrong path, that things could be black and white and that even if you chose wrong- you at least would know it. But it's not- if you make a wrong choice you may never know. And now- to make it relevant- although perhaps its obvious where I'm going: Even though I'm happy right now- how do I know that I've made or that I'm making the right decisions. How do I know that; had I done something differently I might not have been even happier. I've never had to deal with regret before and...this isn't exactly regret because it is so general- not related to any one or any group of decisions. I just somehow need to come to terms with not knowing and in all likelyhood never knowing if I made the right decisions.

I guess in the end- its the same as point 1)....I need to not view things as a dichotomy- I'm not either brilliant or dumb...decisions are not always right or wrong. Things are...decisions are...We exist and we decide and we are the only judges capable of deciding

...the other two points don't matter and my hand hurts...

[ I wrote this in pen...and...retyping it has helped...but...also made me realize how rambling it is...oh well...i'm out of practice and...this helped alot...alot...so...who cares?]

Listen and do yourself a favor...

Lately, thoughts come more from outside me than inside.

Song of Myself....stanzas 17-19

These are really the thoughts of all men in all ages and lands, they
are not original with me,
If they are not yours as much as mine they are nothing, or next to
nothing,
If they are not the riddle and the untying of the riddle they are
nothing,
If they are not just as close as they are distant they are nothing.

This is the grass that grows wherever the land is and the water is,
This the common air that bathes the globe.

With music strong I come, with my cornets and my drums,
I play not marches for accepted victors only, I play marches for
conquer'd and slain persons.

Have you heard that it was good to gain the day?
I also say it is good to fall, battles are lost in the same spirit
in which they are won.

I beat and pound for the dead,
I blow through my embouchures my loudest and gayest for them.

Vivas to those who have fail'd!
And to those whose war-vessels sank in the sea!
And to those themselves who sank in the sea!
And to all generals that lost engagements, and all overcome heroes!
And the numberless unknown heroes equal to the greatest heroes
known!

This is the meal equally set, this the meat for natural hunger,
It is for the wicked just same as the righteous, I make appointments
with all,
I will not have a single person slighted or left away,
The kept-woman, sponger, thief, are hereby invited,
The heavy-lipp'd slave is invited, the venerealee is invited;
There shall be no difference between them and the rest.

This is the press of a bashful hand, this the float and odor of
hair,
This the touch of my lips to yours, this the murmur of yearning,
This the far-off depth and height reflecting my own face,
This the thoughtful merge of myself, and the outlet again.

Do you guess I have some intricate purpose?
Well I have, for the Fourth-month showers have, and the mica on the
side of a rock has.

Do you take it I would astonish?
Does the daylight astonish? does the early redstart twittering
through the woods?
Do I astonish more than they?

This hour I tell things in confidence,
I might not tell everybody, but I will tell you.

First Man: [coming a little closer] Can we have your liver then?

Mrs Bloke: No... I don't want to die.

First Man: Oh come on, it's perfectly natural. Only take a couple of minutes.

Mrs Bloke: Oh... I'd be scared.

First Man: All right, I'll tell you what. Look, listen to this -  

[A man in pink evening dress emerges from the fridge.]

Man in Pink Evening Dress: Whenever life gets you down, Mrs Brown
And things seem hard or tough
And people are stupid obnoxious or daft
And you feel that you've had quite enough...

[As he starts to sing, the wall of the kitchen disintegrates to reveal a magnificent night sky. The vocalist in pink escorts Mrs Bloke up into the stars.]

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at 900 miles an hour,
That's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.

The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way.

Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars
It's 100,000 light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, 16,000 light years thick
But out by us its just 3,000 light years wide
We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point,
We go round every 200 million years
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding Universe.

The Universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light you know,
12 million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.

So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
Because there' bugger all down here on earth.

[The vocalist in pink climbs back into the fridge and the door slams shut.]

Mrs Bloke: Makes you feel so sort of insignificant, doesn't it?

First Man: Yeah yeah... Can we have your liver, then?

Mrs Bloke: Yeah. All right, you talked me into it.

First Man: Eric!

A few thoughts:

1st...how weird is it that while working at Redner's I have lots of ideas of things that I want to write about...

2nd...I will never marry a woman...or be with a woman...who goes to the grocery store in high heels. I see these women at the grocery store...and there are a ton of them...and I get bothered by it. I wonder what posseses them to dress up to go food shopping and can't see myself ever being with someone who felt that need...the drive to look pretty when picking up celery and ritz crackers.

3rd...If you use any coloquialism or technical term, no matter how commonplace, and someone doesnt hear what you say...you immediately revert to the universal term consciously or subconsciously thinking that they didn't understand as opposed to didn't hear.

4th...I've been wondering if I have a Blues Traveller hook...and if I do...I've been wondering what it is.

5th...Descartes idea of hyperbolic doubt...doubting everything that you believe in...in fact...doubting everything that you think exists...anyway...if you are a believer in it...it is used to try to logically and scientifically recreate knowledge...

ive decided that it is not a bad idea to try it...because I seem to have started to doubt several deeply held beliefs and the scariest thing about it is...that they were beliefs I have never consciously held...and...a tangent to that...it is amazing what thoughts you can have without ever thinking them.

The main belief i'm referring to is the belief that everything can be made good if you establish your goals and legitimately work toward them.

there are more...but...perhaps at a later date...after I play around with hyperbolic doubt...ha...

6th...I really like the following:

and I know you won't let me down 'cause I'm already standing on the ground ...

If you have no expectations and no requirements set for people...then there is no way you can be let down...

and finally

7th: Life is a great thing, no?